George Carlin On Flamethrowers

My favorite George Carlin quote of all time is this:

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”

I laugh like a schoolgirl whenever I think about it. And here’s a video of him doing this bit, though worded slightly differently:

Only Three Days Until the “Rapture”…

In case you’ve been living under a rock and haven’t heard, the end of the world begins this Saturday, May 21 at or about 6:00 PM. According to Harold Camping, the resident genius cum prophet at, May 21 is exactly 7,000 years after “Noah’s flood,” and is therefore the day that Christ will return.

According to this news report about a bunch of religious nutbags getting together to wear tacky t-shirts and wail and gnash their teeth about the end of the world, only 200 million Christians will be saved. The other nearly-7-billion people in the world will perish, with wailing and gnashing of teeth. Well, not immediately. The day will begin with “a worldwide earthquake, such as man has never seen,” with death and destruction the order of the day. Then those lucky 200 million will be rescued. The rest will suffer and die until October 21, when a “fireball” will destroy the Earth entirely, putting an end to all that annoying wailing and gnashing of teeth.

So, if you’d like to know what our days will be like after Saturday, be sure to pick up a copy of the pretty-much-unreadable Left Behind series which, I’m told, paints a detailed picture of post-rapture living. (Seriously, I tried to read Left Behind several years ago, because I had several friends say to me, “O! You must read it!” and “O! It’s so detailed!” and “O! It’s so horrifying!” I tried. Really, I did. I made it almost 100 pages into it before I was on the brink of spilling state secrets to the Communists. It was that bad. The characters were 1-dimensional, and I just didn’t give a damn what happened to any of them.)

So, mark your calendars for this Saturday. If you’re still around on Sunday, you’ll know you weren’t one of those who were really “saved.”

It’s Three Tigers, Not Two Bulls

On our recent trip to Myrtle Beach, we ate at the Planet Hollywood our first night there. Apart from the fact that they were out of Key Lime Pie and bananas for the Bananas Foster Cheesecake, the meal was fine. Thomas and I walked around, looking at all the various movie props, but there was a gigantic battleship that was hanging from the ceiling that I could not figure out. I decided to ask the hostess if she knew. This is what transpired when I approached the hostess stand and asked her.

Me: “Hi. Um… what movie was that battleship from?”
Her: “Oh, that’s from a movie called ‘Toro, Toro.'”
Me: “What movie?”
Her: “‘Toro, Toro.'”

I then realized that she actually meant “Tora! Tora! Tora!” which is a WWII movie about the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor. I was able to stifle my laugh, so I didn’t make her feel bad, but when I got back to the table, I had a good laugh with the family.

There are two reasons why this is funny. First, “Toro” is the Spanish word for “bull.” “Tora” is the Japanese word for “tiger,” which was used as a code word for “attack” when they bombed Pearl Harbor. Second, the way she said “Toro, Toro,” was funny. She said it with both authority and a very Southern accent that worked together to really tickle me, almost to the point of laughing in her presence, which would have been bad/mean.

Interesting Date Tracking There, Microsoft

My son was trying to clean up some space on his computer last night, so he was deleting massive amounts of crap. I encouraged him to uninstall anything that he hadn’t used in the last couple of months, but that might be difficult based on the estimates Windows gives of last-use. Check out when the last time Windows thinks he played Halo


Speaking Punctuation

So we’re watching Project Runway (don’t ask) and the designers only have 5 minutes left. Tim Gunn walks in and says

Designers! Five Minutes! And some of you are still sewing? Question Mark!

I laughed out loud at that. And of course, the way Tim says it, with his “gay lilt,” it’s far funnier than if someone else had said it.